Analogy of a class

I have spent the last 10 years of my life as a mentor and knowledge facilitator. Ya that is what I prefer to call myself coz calling oneself a teacher is too passe and cliched you see. Moreover you don't get the Ooh la la expression when you introduce yourself as a teacher - it is like a ordinary tulip introducing itself in a room filled with Cosmos atrosanguineus. But when you introduce yourself as a mentor and knowledge facilitator it has the wow factor - the other person's right eyebrows lifts a quarter of an inch, he stares at you with a open mouth resembling a goldfish in a bowl with a glazed look in his eyes and he gently sidles away from you. The victim sidling away from is not a reflection of your social skills in anyway - it is just that he has no fucking clue what you mean and obviously the gold fish doesn't want to reveal how ignorant he is.

Note to reader - I know that you also have no fucking clue what Cosmos atrosanguineus means and by this time possible you are googling the same. I tell you all gold fish behave the same way. It is a nice trick - you must try it some time - just make sure that you don't pull the same stunt on a nerdy who also introduces himself as a M&EF . It is then better to steer away from such nerds and keep a safe distance because this other bloke might actually know more than you and obviously you don't want to meet people who know more than you - such kind of meetings are not good for your image.

But then I diverge. I began by saying that I have spent the last 10 years as a M&EF and in this last 10 years I have learnt the art of classifying the class into different strata of populace. (BTW you must agree that the use of the term classifying the class is a master stroke - but if you really think deep - you will realise that it is kind of oxymoron - how can you classify something that is already classified into class - forget it - I am getting lost now).

The first thing that you as a M&EF tend to realise the moment you enter into the class at 7:00 am in the morning is that you are really not as endearing as you think yourself to be to the end users sitting in the class (let us refer to them for the time being as "frogs" - coz again calling them as students is too cliched and I am really too tired to think of anything fancy for them - so lets call them frogs - of course you can call them toads, elks, reindeers - anything - it doesn't matter - as my good old friend Shakeshpeare would have said "whats in a name ? a Cosmos atrosanguineus by any other name would still be a Cosmos atrosanguineus (or did he say rose ?).

Honestly the frogs are not keen to see your face early in the morning - they would rather be tucked under a blanket and turning off the snooze button. But then for whatever reason they do turn up in large numbers with droopy eyelids , grumpy face and you can literally hear them groan when you enter (don't be an idiot and be under the illusion that the groan is an expression of their pleasure in seeing you. Trust me if one of the frogs had a knife in its hand there would be a major fight amongst the frogs as to who shall be the lucky one to derive the pleasure of sticking the knife into you.

As you take your position on the dais and survey your subjects (not the subject you fool, the subjects that is the frogs) you notice the frogs which are sitting immediately in front of you.

These frogs - lets call them front bencher frogs (FBF in short) do not sit in the front row because they are keen to listen you drone - no sir - these FBF have chosen the front bench because either they have poor eyesight or poor hearing. So sitting on the front bench solves both of their problems. But of course they have to pay a price for doing so - they can't sleep on the sly and they have to tolerate the spit shower that any self respecting M&EF would throw on them. I have noticed they always sit with their towels ready to wipe their face or to protect themselves from the spit shower.These are also the frogs who would copy everything written on the board including the board manufacturer's name and telephone number at the bottom of the board. Their motto is very simple - If it is on the board, it has to be copied.. Of course these FBF also croak their queries once in a while just to let the M&EF know that they are listening.

Then you survey the next layer of frogs - the middle layer frogs - lets call them MLF. (not to be confused with MILF which I am given to believe has pornographic undertones) These MLF have decent audio / visual facilities - so they avoid sitting on the front which anyways is occupied by the FBF. Their level of interest in the subject ranges from not so keen to moderately keen. They listen what they want to and they croak when they please. They occasionally look at their crotch and smile - hang on - don't jump to conclusions- such behaviour happens when they are checking their mobile on the sly from the M&EF. It is pretty reasonable to assume that they are copying everything while at the same time moderately understanding what is being babbled by the M&EF.

Now you survey the Rear Class of Frogs - now this breed actually needs to be studied in detail. This diaspora comprises of various breeds - the most harmless breed is a usual FBF whose alarm didn't go off on time and therefore came in late only to see that his space in the front rows have already been taken up by the early rising FBFs who have parked themselves comfortably and are in no mood to accommodate him. So this late comer FBF squeezes himself into any available space at the rear. A FBF sitting at the rear is quite harmless because anyways remember he can't see much and hear much from there - and anyone with a defective audio-video port can do you little harm - so lets cast him aside for the time being. The other type of Rear Class of Frogs - is the frog with a swag. You can identify this class from far - they have a "who gives a fuck to your lecture" look in their eyes and are neither interested in listening to you nor understanding you. The only reason for this breed's presence in the class at such unearthly hour is to ogle at the beautiful frogess (now I know there is no term like that - but I think your convoluted and dirty mind has already understood who I am referring to ) sitting in the middle. Such frogs are usually identified by a skimpy and unkempt facial growth turning up in half pants displaying his hairy legs and usually has good knowledge on the working of any type of phones. The third type of frogs ( and this is the most dangerous types) is the hanger on frog (HOF) . This breed normally attach themselves closely to the frog with swag in the hope that some of the swag rubs on to them. These HOF have one principle very clear - not to ogle at the frogess that the swag frog is ogling - coz that is Bhabi and one can't harbour such thoughts against bhabhi. They are also instrumental in putting in place any MLF or FBF who makes the mistake of looking at bhabhi - they simply tick him by saying " Yeh bhabhi hai Teri - chal Aage board mein nazar rakh - peeche ghoorne ka nahi.

Then there is the Doubter Frog (DF). These are randomly located and can be found in any layer. They have this nasty habit of springing up from any level suddenly and without warning and start croaking. This breed is usually identified by the perpetually raised eyebrow giving the impression that he doesn't believe one word what M&EF saying. They have the same attitude towards M&EF that normally policemen have towards shady characters - one of suspicion and mistrust. You have to careful of such DF - they are likely to throw a query about something you said about half an hour back and probably forgot about it. At the same time also be careful of what you say now because either the same DF or one of his brethren community which is scattered all over the class is likely to ask a query on what you are discussing now half an hour later. The DFs have what is called an amazing what if function that is normally found in the menu of excel sheet. They are perfectly capable of asking you what if pigs have wings or what if we were struck in an airplane and we only one oar to row it with (I know that doesn't make sense - but then these are the questions you need to expect from this breed).

In the middle of all these you probably will notice a frog which neither croaks nor jumps around but is silently surveying everything and absorbing everything that is going on. Once in a while a doubt will be asked and that will be all that you see of this type. The next time you see this breed will be on the rank list - yeah this is the ranker frog - the silent, hardworking and intelligent breed.

And finally you have the royalty frog - the word royalty doesn't mean that they come from a royal family. It just means that they are doing their frogship in the Big four. Identifying them is not a problem at all - they normally strut around like a peacock displaying their organisation bag or the laptop or the stationery of their company. They are really harmless - they just give the impression that they know a lot - In reality they know very little of substance - and generally the Middle row or the back row frogs can give this guy a run for his money when it comes to doing some real work.. This breed is really a bag of hot air making a lot of noise (again another indication that I am confused - wonder how a bag of hot air can make a noise- but anyways you get the gist). A little care needs to be exercised though - they can bamboozle you with their use of sophisticated jargons and can actually make a dumb question appear to sophisticated. You need not worry about this breed since they will make their appearance in the class once in a while - they are busy people you see.

But after 10 years as a M&EF, I have realised something - I love these frogs - they might be naughty, jumpy and everything in between - but I adore them. They may not be happy to see my face in the mornings - but my mornings are really incomplete without them. The happiness in these adorable frogs face when they pass out is the real reward for me. So frogs - hate me or love - I am never going to stop loving you .

PS : Just written in a lighter vein - no doubts on this will be entertained. A little bit of humour does wonders to your stressful lives.